Friday, July 10, 2015

Toxic People

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were not respected? Was it a spouse, family member, -in law, friend, etc. If you have ever been on the receiving end of disrespect you know all too well that burning sensation you feel deep within that makes you want to reach out and touch, somebody’s hand (but not to make this world a better place). Sometimes the hurt from the disrespect runs so deep that you simply must clutch your pearls and take a deep breath from the shock of it all. Disrespect hurts, rather it was intended or not. The hurt goes even deeper if the disrespect is a reoccurring theme.

As a married Mama of 4 I know that I, like many have a long marathon of raising kids ahead of me. It is my job to be a wife and a mama to my babies. Anyone who comes my way and tries to sow discord in either of these areas in my life will need to be reevaluated. Why? You may ask….Well it goes like this…. Being a wife and mama is no easy task, as you already know. It comes with its own set of hardships and the last thing I need is someone trying to one up me on my parenting skills, continually giving the same unsolicited advice, not supporting the lifestyle I feel is best for my family, going against me in front of my children in a critical way, being passive aggressive, or purposefully making an attempt to make me feel like crap, under the guise of being “helpful”. Any or all of the above is toxic and just like you wouldn’t eat or drink anything toxic why would you continually expose yourself to toxic people. I was once told the people closest to you can hurt you and I have found that to be true.

Mama’s we all have faults and sometimes when people bring up your faults it can hurt and cause you to feel inadequate or even become even more critical of yourself. There is nothing wrong with bringing up a person’s faults if you are indeed coming from a respectful place and are tender and kind with your timing, approach and words. However, we all know people who pretend to mean well, only to try and hurt you, for whatever reason. There comes a point along your journey when you say enough is enough! You have to weigh the pros vs. the cons of having this person in your life. To take it a step further you also need to look at the role you have played. Did you allow this disrespectful behavior to continue after the initial onset? Did you ever stand up for yourself and confront the issue? If you can clearly see that someone is disrespecting you and this has become a pattern for them you have to put a stop to it. If you choose to allow yourself to continually be disrespected and verbally bullied then at some point you have to understand that you are inadvertently telling them that you do not mind being disrespected.

In life I have learned that you have to teach some people how to treat you. If you allow them to run all over you they will, however if you disengage they will see that you do not approve of their disrespect. At that point they have a few choices. They can change their behavior or choose to disassociate themselves with you. Some people bring toxic energy and that is who they are until they make a choice to be different. You do not have to put up with toxic people regardless of who they are. I am learning that the best way to deal with toxic people is to limit my interaction with them or disengage altogether. I have to be in a positive frame of mind when raising my children. No mama wants to walk around being sad because she keeps allowing herself to engage with someone who keeps her on an emotional roller coaster. It is not healthy for you, your kids or your marriage. You may not think that other people’s actions towards you can impact how you treat your husband and kids, but it can and it will.  You will find yourself yelling, short tempered and lashing out at those who have done nothing to you.

Mama’s I hope this post will give someone the courage to handle the toxic person(s) in their life. It’s no fun walking on egg shells or try to hold back tears when being bombarded with insults under the guise of constructive criticism. You owe it to yourself and your family to remove yourself from toxic people and situations. If you were waiting on someone to give you permission to do so, wait no longer. Mama you have the right to remove and disengage from anything or anyone who is toxic to your well-being. TGIF, enjoy your weekend and bask in POSITIVITY!!!!

Don’t just live, Enjoy Life!


Disclaimer: If you are in an abusive relationship please seek help first from crisis counselors who are available to help you 24/7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Mama Language v Daddy Language

Mama’s if you have children chances are you understand that men and women speak a different language when it comes to parenting, helping out around the house and with the kids. Before your little darlings arrived things were normal. You were able to shower anytime you liked, nothing was standing in your way. If you wanted a mani-pedi you just simply drove yourself to get one. When the babies came the waters became muddy and the lines got blurred really quick, probably when you came home from the hospital. In case you’re lost about where this post is going let me give you a few examples and show you how our words can get lost in translation. 
You say, “I need a shower”. Hubby hears that you need a shower but he simply does not understand why you haven’t taken one, after all he has no problem taking a shower everyday. He feels that you should simply go into the bathroom while the baby is asleep and take shower, Oh if it were only that simple, especially when you have more than one child and if you’re nursing, bless your sweet little heart. In our minds this is code for “help me out here, watch the kids so I can shower, please”. He does not get it and probably will not unless you say “Babe I need to take a shower can you please watch the kids?” Now for some women having to ask your husband to watch his own kids seems weird. I mean the kids are his, he did help you create them, so why in the world should I have to ask him to watch them? Chances are if you do not ask him and the kids need something you will have that “cold air” moment when they come into the bathroom and start opening the shower curtain while you’re showering. Not cool, so not cool! You may even hear that dreaded knock on the door from a toddler yelling your name, trying to have an inaudible conversation through the door. In the mean time you’re thinking what in the world is he doing and who’s watching the kids!
Another language barrier I’ve experienced as a Mama is when I’m trying to get myself ready, the kids ready  and the diaper bag (with snacks and sippy cups) ready and my husband is slowing taking his time getting ready. Here I am making sure 4 kids get ready with matching clothes, socks and shoes and I am getting no help. Shoes need to be tied, belts need to be looped and the only name everyone keeps calling is mine “Mama”. It’s as if they are completely forbidden or immune to calling their other parent’s name “Daddy”. Even when I tell them to go ask daddy, them come back to me. So here I am frazzled, about to go manic because surely my dear husband has to hear all this commotion. I’m wondering why he hasn’t come to help me out because the odds are completely stacked against me and in his favor. He’s the first one ready and here I am still struggling and he looks like he really has no clue what in the world is really going on in our house. Mama’s this used to drive me insane. Most times I kept it bottled in and we’d ride in silence because I was fuming and I didn’t want to have this conversation in front of the kids.
My most favorite language barrier moment is when you bring your kids home from the hospital and the real fun begins (insert sarcasim). Seriously you’re happy to have your baby home, but you have no idea that you are about to be a sleep deprived train wreck. You are on maternity leave and chances are your husband is going back to work and he “needs” his sleep. Really? As if I don’t need sleep too. More than likely your husband feels that you can function without sleep since you carried these babies for 9 months. Somehow he is convinced that waking up every 2 hours or so doesn’t make you a grumpy beast mama. Well newsflash babe I need sleep too and I need you get up and feed the baby because I’m exhausted.
Mama’s I’m sure that many of you can relate to what I’ve shared about Mama language v Daddy language. Now please note that there is a solution to this problem. While we may think that our husband’s  see a need and will always fill that need, truth is  that may not happen on its own. Mama’s we have to speak up and give our husbands clear and concise language about what we need from them. If we do not we may not get it. I know some of you are saying it’s like being a dead horse sometimes, but he’ll never learn your Mama language if you don’t communicate it to him. Figure out 3 things you need your husband to help with. Write those things down in case he forgets. When he helps you sincerely tell him thank you and let him know how his help has made your load lighter. Many times our husbands know  they married strong, multi-tasking, nurturing rock stars that can handle anything. Even when we look frazzled and it seems chaotic they know we’ve got it under control. Mama’s we pretty much ROCK out! If you’re frazzled I encourage you to talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling. Don’t continue to hold it can because resentment will build and it eventually the smallest of things will make you explode. Nip it in the bud before it gets to that point with a simple conversation. Remember your husband is not a mind reader and it’s not really fair to expect him to be.
Live your life with a purpose!


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Growing as a Family

Happy Hump Day Mama’s! I hope your week has been off to a wonderful start thus far. As for me and my family we are growing, and no I am not pregnant again! I am talking about growing as in becoming more in sync with each other’s needs and respecting each other more. This whole month we have been working on respect as a family. It’s not that we were disrespecting each other as family members, but we each have different needs. Sometimes one or some of us may not understand or agree with the needs of other family members and this can cause a bit of tension. For example my oldest son who is 9 years old needs alone and quite time. He likes to go and be by himself for a few hours to simply be left alone. He has told me that he needs this time away from his siblings. I am an only child and I cannot relate to him on needing time away from his siblings, but because he has communicated this need to me I have obliged. We have set up specific times during the week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for him to have quiet time. This has proven to calm him and not make his as aggressive in his actions, tone or words towards his siblings and sometimes me.

Some of you may be thinking that I am catering too much to my child but the truth is we all have needs, even children. When these specific needs are being met it makes for a happier individual. I have started doing Yoga, 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes. I need this as it is extremely relaxing for me. I have voiced this to my kids as Mama getting her “inner peace”. The first few times they were allowed to watch for a few minutes because they were curious and now my 2, 4 & 8 year old do their own versions from time to time.

Mama’s I am sharing this with you because family balance is extremely important. It is our very first ministry. There may be things that your spouse needs from you, other than sex, to make him happy or keep him at peace. For my husband it is walking into a clean nice smelling space and making our bedroom a love nest. This does not mean our house has to be completely spic and span it just needs to be organized. Since I have made it my business to do these 3 things for my husband his overall attitude has been different when he arrives home (believe it or not my attitude has been better to).

Now that I am homeschooling and we are in our home the majority of the time we can get really nit-picky quickly (try saying that 5 times). My kids are learning that in order to get what they need it is important to communicate, not just with me, their Mama but with everyone. If you want or need something ask for it. If you hurt someone’s feelings apologize. If it is your fault own it and do better. This has cut down on a lot of whining and complaining. I sat down with my 9, 8 & 4 year old to ask what they needed from us as parents. Mama’s I was surprised with their answers so I’ll share a few of them with you: bring back Taco Tuesday for dinner, have a one-on-one outing with a parent without other siblings and watch TV in Mama and Daddy’s bed in their PJ’s one night a week. There you have it, from the mouth of my babies.

Sometimes with all of the gadgets, TV, tablets, game consoles, etc. we can forget about the little things that keep us grounded and close as a family. We all want to know that we matter, that our voices are being heard and that we are loved. That’s what family is all about. So I urge you today to find out what your family is in need of and work together to help meet those needs I guarantee you, you won’t regret it.  I believe in you, we can do this….YOU can do this!
Live your life with a purpose!


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Step Out on Faith

Happy New Year! I hope that you find what works for you in 2015 and live the life you want to have, the life you were meant to live. Mama’s some of you are reading this and understand exactly what I’m trying to say here. In case you don’t get it let me help you. Last January you made resolutions to be better, live better, enjoy life and live it to the fullest. Somewhere along the way doubt set in, you became afraid of stepping out into something new, unchartered territory and you settled for what was comfortable for you. You stomped out great possibilities for your life because of fear. For some it was fear of change, of the unknown, needing to be in control of everything and being afraid that if you fall you won’t be able to get back up again. Well let me tell you that mindset will paralyze you and crush your dreams. Fear will keep you from better days that are ahead.
Last year I answered the calling to homeschool my 4 kids (9, 7, 4 and 2). It had been placed on my heart for a while, but I was afraid to answer that call. I was afraid of what others may say to such an unconventional way of educating my children. I feared setting my kids back educationally and ruining their future because I was not a degreed teacher. Last May I had an emergency operation which forced me to face my own mortality for a second time (the first being a series of 3 robberies in 2010 while pregnant with my 3rd child). I prayed and made the decision to answer the call, to withdraw my children from public school and VPK and bring them home with me. I withdrew them at the end of 2014 on the last day of Christmas Break. We were moving to Georgia anyway so this was a perfect time to bring them home.
I still had naysayers, family and friends who questioned my decision to homeschool and I’m not going to lie, it made me feel some kind of way, but I didn’t let that stop me. In that moment I learned that you can’t share your dreams, goals and aspirations with everyone because everyone will not understand the vision or the path you’re taking. This can set you back and make you question your decision if you let it. Thank God I pressed on. We started homeschool or “schooling at home” on Monday and I know we’re only 3 days in, but it has been amazing for us all. I honestly regret not having done it sooner. I let our day unfold as organically as possible. I wake up between 6:45 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. every morning without an alarm. The kids wake up on their own and trickle into my room between 7:00-7:45 a.m.  Let me stop here and say that now I understand why they were so darn grumpy when they were in traditional school. I was waking them up between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m. and they did not like it. I have noticed that we are all much more pleasant upon waking and during the day. This in itself is a great beginning for me. The older kids have more patience with the younger kids and I have more patience throughout the day. Yay me!!
Mama’s this journey is far from over and I look forward to our schooling adventures at home. My kids have named our school The Bouie Academy, too cute. They have picked 4 character traits they feel are important in our school: respect, integrity, responsibility and generosity. Mama’s I was pleasantly surprised that they came up with these all on their own, courtesy of my 9 and 7 year old. I am looking forward to what the future holds for “Team Bouie”. If God has been speaking to you, answer the call and go for it. Forget the naysayers and step out on faith. Don’t look back on 2015 with regret for not doing what you were meant to do. Don't repeat 2014. Live your life with intention, purpose and passion. I hope you conquer your fears and step out on faith Mama’s. I believe in you, we can do this....YOU can do this!
Live your life with a purpose!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My Mind’s Telling Me No...

Mama’s our family is going through a shift. Our kids are at a new school that is not working out very well for them, my husband got a new job in a new state and we are moving a few days before Christmas into our new home. So I’m packing and getting us ready to hit the road. This school year has been filled with many challenges, but some of the things my kids have dealt with at school were just hard to wrap my mind around. As Mama’s when our kids are hurt we hurt, it’s just that simple. My 4th grader experienced bullying in an extreme way this year and although I stayed on top of it I didn’t like how it made him feel. My daughter wanted to change the color of her skin and her hair because as a 2nd grader she felt that she could have nice friends that way. I know that times have changed and kids are different, but so are parents and the society we live. My son was told he was a B**** and a F****t by one of his classmates in the 4th grade!!! I told his teacher and she handled it. Another one of his classmates asked him if he wanted to die every time he opened his mouth to speak. When my son would answer him “No” his classmate would say, “Well shut up then”. Seriously? How horrible is that?

I am like a piranha when it comes to my children. Point blank period. I know that kids will be kids, but I feel horrible sending my kids to an environment where they feel less than because of their skin color and the horrible things other kids say to them. My son tells me that most days he wants to cry, but then he thinks of wrestlers and football players and how strong they are and that helps him to keep the tears in. He told me that he also remembered me telling him to ignore hurtful words spoken by others, but ignoring it doesn’t make the pain go away (TEARS!!). When I dropped him off to school that morning I cried in my car all the way back home because I felt awful for leaving him in a place where he is supposed to learn but feels unwelcomed and like an outsider daily. When my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD in the Spring of 2013 I wanted to homeschool her, but she wanted to stay in school so bad. Now she’s asking can she just go to school at home (sigh).

I have been dancing around the idea of homeschooling four children and got scared every time. I figured that I had not gone to school to properly teach my kids all they would need to know, so I would be better off sending them to public school daily and just supplementing them when they come home. I kept feeling the urge to homeschool, but like I said I was afraid that I would really mess my kids up. I prayed and waited all the while knowing what I was supposed to do but fear kept me from doing it (I’ll admit that). 

So here we are ready to move to our new home and I am proud to say that the Bouie Family will be homeschooling all of our children year round on a quarter system. I know this will be a rewarding, fun filled and trying time, but we are family and I love my kids past the moon. The kids are excited and they have already decided that they want to learn about zoology, earth space science, meteorology, African American history, Hieroglyphics and they are interested in cursive writing and a second language. I’m pretty geeked as we will set up a classroom per the kids request in our new home. My husband is 100% supportive of this decision. Many of my family members have been worried about their socialization, but fret not the kids will be active in dance, sports, church and maybe even a homeschool co-op!

So Mama’s I decided to listen to my heart because my mind was definitely telling me no. I cannot tell you if homeschooling is right for you as it comes with many sacrifices. I believe the sacrifice is worth it for me to teach my children, love on them and watch them grow and develop. I look forward to this time where our lives will no longer be dictated by a traditional school schedule. I believe the flexibility will be amazing and a welcomed breath of fresh air. Mama’s I’ll keep you posted on our progress and if you homeschool please share any tips or stories you may have!

Don’t wait, Live your best life now!